


A lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard

by meridalocksley



Series: Darillium [5]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, The Library
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 08:38:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5779015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meridalocksley/pseuds/meridalocksley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"There's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard."</i><br/>But if we keep telling it to ourselves for long enough, we might start to believe in it. And if we believe in something, we will find a way. </p><p>This is also Chapter 3 of <i>Dawn</i>, but it can be read as a stand-alone piece too, so I wanted to publish it separately. If you haven’t read the first two parts, Rorie is the Doctor’s and River’s daughter who occasionally travels with him. (But she's not in the center of this part.) I appreciate any feedback! :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard

“What’s happening?!” Rorie asked desperately as she ran towards her father.

He was leaning on the Tardis console, trying to keep his balance. She knew what was happening. But it was one thing to know it and another to actually see it. Especially when he just sent her a message that he wants to see her.

“No… No! What happened?!”

“It’s okay… I’m fine.” The Doctor said on a weak but confident voice.

“No, you’re not!”

“I’ve done this a dozen of times before, I’m gonna be okay. I’ll probably miss the eyebrows, though. Listen to me...” He reached out to hold Rories hand. “I want you to do something for me.”

He was searching his pockets, then he finally took out a small object which looked like a memory stick but it was more complex and as he held it in his hands and his regeneration energy reached it, it lit up for a moment then it went back to normal. He put it in her hands.

“What is this?”

“Take this to this destination.” she said placing a pice of paper in her hands too, “You will find a man called Markus in the reception of the huge building. He knows me. Just tell him that it’s from The Doctor. He’ll know what to do with it.”

“Why? What is this?”

“An old Gallifreyan habit… with a twist. You’ll understand it one day. But now you have to go! I don’t have much time.”

“No, I am not leaving you here! This can wait.”

“No, it can’t. Don’t worry about me. Go! Please.”

Rorie put the object into her bag then hugged the man tightly.

“I’m sorry… I love you dad.” she whispered.

“Don’t you dare saying goodbye! I’ll still be here when you come back.”

“I know. It’s just that…”

“Go!”

Rorie smiled at him, then turned around and hurried out of the Tardis.

The Doctor sat down near a wall. _An old Gallifreyan habit, eh? Were I not an outcast already _, the fellas would disinherit me for this.__ He smiled to himself. _It doesn’t matter. Those are their rules, not mine. I don’t give in._ He was overwhelmed by the idea that maybe, just maybe, this once… he wins.

He felt a sudden rush of warmth and everything around him started to sparkle in a golden light then all became white and hazy, and he felt like floating in the endless.

Then things started to take shape around him, he felt the ground under his feet, he looked around himself, he saw a house, green grass, he was in a garden, on a sunny day. When the fog disappeard and the world stopped spinning around him he lost his balace and fell on the ground. _She did it._ he thought.

He did it.

 

* * *

 

He heard the sound of footsteps. Someone was approaching him. When he opened his eyes he saw a familiar face curiously looking at him from a short distance. When the woman recognized him, her eyes opened widely and she froze for a moment. She dropped the basket she had in her hands and the mushrooms fell out of it, scattered around in the grass.

She looked almost exactly the way when he last saw her. Her hair was just slightly longer, and instead of her badass outfits or gowns she was wearing a simple, long, white dress.

The Doctor stood up and smiled at her.

“Hi, honey.” He said with a big smile as he took a step closer to her. “I’m home.”

River was still just standing there, looking at him astonished.

“It’s me!” he reached out to her. River. She grabbed his arms, she couldn’t believe that this man, flesh and blood, was standing in front of her. He was really there.

She then wrapped her arms around him.

“You nostalgic idiot…” she whispered. “How?” she asked as she pushed him away to look at his face.

"I promised. I was all baby-face by then, but-"

“Wait, did you…? No! Don’t tell me you actually…” she said with worry in her voice and stepped a little bit back from him.

“No, no… I didn’t die.” he said reassuringly, pushing some reckless locks out of her face.

“Then how?”

“It took me centuries to figure it out, but it worked!” he said happily.

River was shaking her head.

“You never cease to amaze me…” she said.

“And neither is it my intention to stop doing that anytime soon. So, what’s this place, will you give me a tour? I’ll tell you everything along the way…”

 

* * *

 

He was again in his Tardis. He felt dizzy and weak. There were random images flashing before his eyes. He heard his own smug voice from the distance. And River’s.

_“…and there are no sonatarans to chase me, this is a very peaceful place…”_

River!

_“…but one can get used to it. Especially if you learn its trick…”_

The image vanished and new ones appeared. _They were now in the house. Then they were watching the waves on a seaside. Then they seemed to be on a different planet. How is that possible? Is that the Tardis there? Children sleeping in their beds. The smell of chocolate pudding. The Eiffel tower. River in a 30’s outfit. A dog barking. Rorie? The singing towers while the sun was shining. The pyramids. River laughing._ Rorie. _The sight of stars from a spaceship._ Blonde hair and hands shaking his shoulders.

He opened his eyes.

“Rorie…”

The girl was looking down at her, worried.

“For heaven’s sake dad, I was trying to wake you up for like 10 minutes after I came back, you kept telling me to let you sleep.”

“I… did it!”

“Yeah, you did it. You kinda look like- No! Damn, dad! Don’t pass out again!”

 

* * *

 

“So you basically… saved yourself here while you were regenerating?” River asked him after he finished his speech.

They were laying in the grass. Amaranths were growing in it, giving the place a vivid feeliing.

“Yes, well… before… I actually regenerated. Tiny detail but quite important.”

“So are you a… a copy of yourself? This version of you is here, while the new one is running around, being still disappointed that he is still not ginger?”

“No. Well, yes, he probably is running around, but this is the real me, not a copy. As far as real gets to be real around here. Who knows?” he looked around. “It’s me at the very end of the time this -” he pointed at his head. “- face had.”

“I don’t understand. How can you still be here if a new you is also out there?”

“I used my regeneration energy to keep myself… I mean this version of me… alive until I arrived here. By saving myself I created a small interval, you know, like the one between 12,9 and 13. It’s a smaller… _infinity_.” He smiled and looked at River being eager to see her reaction. She was gazing down at their folded hands with a smile on her face. Her hold tightened a bit, then he looked at him. He continued. “Then I must have changed… probably it required a double effort, but I am sure I managed.”

“You used 3 regeneration cycles to get here?”

“Yeah, I think…” he said absent mindedly.

“And… what does this mean to the future you? He doesn’t remember any of it, does he?”

“I think this will be to him what dreams are to humans. He will remembers it vaguely… some things will be more clear, others more blurry. It will have no beginning and no end. It will seem distant… but while you’re in one it feels real, doesn’t it?”

River leaned her head on his shoulders.

“Yes, it does.”

“I just know that I am not dreaming.” he frowned. “I hope that won’t cause a paradox or something…”

“No. It won’t.” River said calmly.

“How do you know?”

“I told you that this place has a trick, remember? You compared it to a dream. Well let me be more specific and rather compare it to a… _lucid dream_.”

“Are you serious?” the Doctor asked.

“Yes. Whatever you can imagine you can create here. It doesn’t work out very well with people, though… You always end up talking to yourself… But anything else…” she shrugged.

The Doctor sat up and kissed her.

“How’s Rorie?” River asked when they parted.

“She’s doing great. She graduated the Intergalactic Medical School. She’s more of a doctor than me now!” he laughed. She helped me get here. She’s most likely with me now.”

"Take care of her.”

“I will. It’s just that… you know how it always ends for people who travel with me. I wouldn’t want to put her in danger or-”

“Sooner or later it ends for everyone anyway. Do you think you do any good if you push people away out of the fear of losing them?”

“If losing them will be my fault and I can avoid that then… Honestly? I don’t even think one can avoid that anymore. I have no idea what is right…” he shook his head. “I only know that I’ve done it before.”

River raised her eyebrow.

“I kept pushing someone I love away...” he continued. “...thinking it would keep her safe, but in the end I think I just hurt her with it.”

River remained silent for a moment. Then she rolled on her stomach and tilted her head as she looked down at him.

“Really?” she asked him with a sly smirk. “And who was that wench?”

The Doctor shrugged then he gazed at her with a warm smile.

"You."

 

* * *

  
  
“You told me regeneration is easy!” Rorie said as she was navigating the tardis. “Like when I accidentally fell or cut my hand and my wounds healed in no time. This didn’t look easy. And it certainly took quite some time.”

 _Oh I bet it did._ He told himself.

“You acted as if you’d have been drugged, like an addict! Woah, does this thing make you feel high or what?” she asked with amazement.

 _It might._ He thought.

“What do I look like?” he asked instead.

Rorie glanced at him.

“A bit like Sean Connery now… with the beard. Still not ginger, though.” she said indifferently.

“It doesn’t matter. _I did it!_ ” he cheered, being still sort of delirious, and hugged the girl. “Thank you, Rorie!”

“For what?”

“Just for being here to me.”

“Gosh, dad, you are sentimental now!” she blinked in his squeeze.

“Really? Just now?”

“Yeah. You can… let me go now.”

“Hmm? Oh, sorry!” He let go of her and stepped back. “I’m back to being the hugging type I guess.”

“So… you want some me time or we go somewhere like in the old times and figure this new you out along the way?” Rorie asked.

“Me time? Ever so dull…” he smiled and pulled the lever on the console.


End file.
